Gett’n In The Club
If you want to get past the asshole doorman and through the rope to hang out with the beautiful and famous people here is a little advice:
- Be prepared to accept that you are not getting in, many do and many don’t but almost nobody actually talks their way in.
- If you are really famous, mostly celebrity, and I don’t recognize you or you are afraid I wont, have somebody else tell me who you are. Don’t tell me yourself.
- Don’t take it personally, I just don’t watch that much TV and I don’t read celebrity magazines.
- Please don’t assume that because your name is really familiar to you that it will be to me.
- If you are really a friend of a friend of mine make sure that my friend calls me before I am working to let me know you are coming.
- If you are a friend of anybody else, including celebrities, I don’t care unless you are with them.
- No cowboy hats…ever. men or women.
- If you are going to offer me money, don’t try to palm it, talk to me first and don’t talk to me for less than $100 per person, I’m busy even if I don’t look busy.
- Don’t bother showing me you business card, I have no way of knowing if its real or not.
- I am not in the entertainment industry and I don’t care if you are.
- Please do not tell me that you work at CAA, UTA, The Firm or any other agency or studio. The minute I hear that I assume you are in the mailroom all day or getting coffee for somebody who is already inside.
- Please make sure that your latest movie has US release, I have never been to a movie in Paris or Moscow.
- I’m generally more interested in music than TV or movies
- If I tell you the fire marshall has shut us down, he has.
- If I tell you we are at capacity, and it looks empty, that means I am waiting for other people that I know are coming. Feel free to wait but don’t try to keep talking to me.
- Don’t wave your hands or yell out my name (especially if you’re not sure you have it right). I see you.
- Even if I seem rude, do not get an attitude with me. I am trying to be polite and kind but some people are just not getting in, you are probably one of them.
- Don’t bother threatening me, its part of my job not to be intimidated and I usually have very big security guards very nearby even if you don’t see them.
- When I ask you whose guest list you are on, tell me.
- If you are on a guest list you know it, and I know that. If you are not on the guest list, tell me.
- Offer me sex… and mean it. I know the difference.
- Dress your best, I don’t really care that much about what style or if you are trendy, but I can usually tell if you are looking your best.
- Men will never get past me in shorts and sandals.
- Men should never come in groups, I don’t care how many models you have with you.
- Groups of women should not bother putting the pretty ones in front, I can see you all and I don’t like beautiful women who think they have a better chance than the others.
- I don’t want to hold your wallet, cell phone, keys or your friend or spouse while you just go inside to look for someone. Most people are shallow or desperate enough to give all these things up to get inside. You’re probably one of them in my mind.
- If you have to use the restroom you should have thought of that before you left home.
- If all your “friends” are inside and you’re not, take it up with them not me.
- Don’t tell me you “should” be on the list if I have looked and you’re not. Its only your opinion and I don’t have time for theory.
TO GET PAST
By Andrew Brin
WGA reg# 1011715